There are times I wish I could turn off my natural tendency to look beyond the surface. I seem to move through life always pondering a deeper meaning, wondering the motivation behind someone’s actions or contemplate the subconscious of my own actions. I don’t think this is bad…..in fact I rather like this quality in me. However, I have often wondered if there is some sort of respite in being a tiny bit more superficial. Maybe if I could turn off that never ending conjecture at will I would have moments of sweet, ignorant, bliss. However, it’s not going to happen because my life’s point of view is continuously reflective. I know that I will not be satisfied with just hearing an answer. I’ll immediately think about a deeper meaning. I will always, always, always ponder the what-ifs and do-you-supposes of each and every situation of life.
Reflective (adjective) re flek tiv 1. Capable of reflecting light, images or sound waves. 2. Marked by reflection; thoughtful, deliberative. 3. Of or relating to or caused by reflection.
Perhaps by not purposefully delving into deeper thoughts I could just release tense situations and move on with life. However, I have not found that to be true. When I don’t pause for reflection and allow myself an opportunity to “figure it out” the memory of that particular event will come up again and live in a new unrelated conflict.
We project onto each other our own thoughts, hopes, fears, and love. Finding myself in a stressful or unpleasant situation means I probably brought something to the table that aided the tension. I have an opportunity to address my part and make a change. It’s the same for positive situations as well. If I’m feeling incredibly supported and loved, I can show my appreciation and reflect it back with and equal amount of appreciation and love.
The last time I blogged I was having a bad week and it felt good to get it out on paper and have a look at it. I was able to process it in a way I needed to. For me, writing is helpful in making a thoughtful and deliberative summary on why things transpired a certain way. I can usually boil down a story to one root fear by looking at common themes through the phrasing I wrote or the feeling I’m projecting. I take a moment to read it as if I’m not the author, but a critic trying to find the character development and motive. When I meditated I also saw the same theme come up in thoughts as I let them pass. Most of the “players” in my bad week had bit parts. I was the main character of my bad day and my plot last week was a tale of being alone and forgotten. Now, having that reflection allowed me to see where I contributed to the “alone and forgotten” story. I can revisit that week and see that what I may have interpreted as a negative event in that moment had many positive things as well. I learned a little bit more about myself and how I can fall into a lie and let it take over. The “bad week lie” was thinking I was alone and forgotten. I wasn’t. But I did feel terrible because I had a plate that was too full and not enough support spiritually and physically to hold that plate up.
Reflection can be downright frightening. You become your own critic and risk feeling hurt. But when we approach our flaws with compassion toward ourselves we end the story with loving ourselves.